Sustained superior performance…

I think it’s fair to say that most people with bipolar have hurt people close to them. When that happens repeatedly our loved ones want to believe in us. They want to trust us. But the old adage “once bitten, twice shy” holds true. Anyone who has been hurt repeatedly will be cautious to trust us again.

That’s where the subject of this Blog post comes into play. My wife has been hurt by my infidelity, lies, secrets and unhealthy behaviors so many times. I can see it in her eyes that she wants us to work but is scared I will continue to hurt her.

That’s what most of my latest blog posts have been pertaining too. I continue to self sabotage, I continue to fail to own things before confronted… I continue to fail at holding up the high standards and sustaining superior performance. So many times it feels like the more steps forward I make that I take more steps backwards. When will the forward progress really be noticable?

I know that the forward still outnumber the backwards steps it just seems like it takes forever. Healing a relationship is not easy after repeated wounds were inflicted and can’t be rushed.

Now that I am on medication it feels like I am more stable. I am able to think and live in the now, I no longer have racing thoughts which has oddly enough decreased my pessimism, I used to always work through every negative outcome in my head that no longer happens. I’m still on the pessimistic side but it no longer rules my thoughts.

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