Self Sabotage

When talking with my wife today I realized that I have a tendency to self-sabotage. I don’t know why I do it, but it always would happen. I think before I was diagnosed and put on meds I was never really ever able to fully live in the present. As a result of this whenever I would interact with my wife she could sense that I was not fully there which would result in her questioning whether or not I was truly present with her and whether or not I truly felt the way that I was trying to communicate that I felt in those moments.

Since getting on meds things have changed, the lack of racing thoughts has helped me be in the moment during my interactions with people, especially my wife. I no longer would have dozens of thoughts racing through my mind when I was interacting with someone, so when holding a conversation I was no longer jumping from topic to topic, no longer listening only to wait for a moment to interject or state my thoughts. You see when I would listen I was really only preparing my response in my mind, I was never really listening.

I had never realized this before this weekend, I never understood why my wife could sense this and would also point out that I could hear her but I wasn’t listening. But now after a weekend full of in depth communication I can see where I failed in the past. For the first time maybe ever I was able to communicate with my wife. Communication creates intimacy and for the first time ever I felt as if I had intimate communication with her.

I truly look forward to learning of the other things that I had completely missed out on as a result of my bipolar; I look forward to improving myself as I pick up on the subtle differences that life has to offer when I am able to focus. This journey is proving to be rewarding, the label is scary but facing the label and addressing it has been fruitful thus far.

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