Suicidal Ideations

Suicide is never a good option but so many people make that choice every single day. I found myself ready to make that same decision and reached out for help.

I can remember the first time I ever thought of killing myself. I couldn’t have been more than 8 years old. I woke up early which is something I’ve always done, been awake before anyone else in the house. I went to the kitchen and pulled out the biggest/sharpest knife I could find and held it to my stomach. I was going to stab myself. I pressed it against my flesh but was too scared and put it away. I never revealed this to anyone other than my wife as we talked about many of my issues in the past year.

I’m sure it’s related to a sexual trauma I witnessed or experienced around the age of 4. I say witnessed or experienced because one of my therapists says it’s not uncommon for a person to dissociate in traumatic events and see the event from a third party perspective.

The next time I contemplated suicide was in March 2018 after my wife’s discovery of an affair that I had at work. My secretive life was exposed. Our neighbor was trying to help my wife and I was laying on the couch in my neighbor’s house. I began to search the details of my life insurance policy and learned that if I took my life the policy would still pay out. I was ready, I was going to jump off a bridge into the shallow river below. As I lay there feeling sorry for myself, shame and guilt for what I had done to my family I talked myself out of it. We have two young children together 6 and 8 at the time. I changed my mind and let it go.

In July 2018 I had been living in the basement of my house. My wife was doing everything she could to fix me and our marriage. I had been to a mens conference on sexual addiction after revelation of my numerous one night stands and visits to prostitutes and massage parlors came to light. I thought I could hide it. I thought that she didn’t need anymore pain after learning of the affair at work. Boy was I wrong. While I was paralyzed with depression and failing to take action to fix my marriage my wife was searching for any resource she could find. One night in July she found the solution: intensive sex addiction therapy at an inpatient type facility. So many thoughts raced through my mind. How could I afford it, what would I tell my boss, what do I tell people who ask where I am going and why wont I be reachable. My wife said this was it, go or we are done. I called the intake folks and learned of the cost of treatment and process for intake. This scared me, I felt hopeless. In this moment I took my gun from the cabinet and placed it to my head. I started to pull the trigger but stopped myself, the noise would wake my wife and our kids. She would have to clean up the mess. The cops would be there with my kids wondering what happened. Again my thoughts went to our children and the trauma this would cause. I had lost hope but there was still an option… treatment for sex addiction.

I put my gun down and called an accountability partner that I had met through the mens conference. He talked to me for quite a while even though it was after midnight. He told me to do whatever it takes but not to end my life. I put my gun away and I called the admissions folks and began the process for admissions.

Then last week… the story is written out in another blog post but I had again lost hope, this time was different. I began to think how I’d been living separate from my wife since Sept. I began to justify that I barely saw my kids anymore and the life insurance would take care of them. I had nothing holding me back. It was at this time that I knew I needed professional help. I reached out to my insurance company to find out what my self admission options were and they gave me the number to the local psychiatric facility.

Reaching out for help was crucial for me. Anytime I reached out before was after I talked myself out of suicide. But when I knew I couldn’t do that I reached out and called the medical professionals and that is why I am still here today.

If you are considering harming yourself I urge you to contact the suicide help line or your local medical facility. Get help. Life is worth living no matter what you are going through.

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