It started off as a normal day. It was May 28th and I went to work like any other day, it was the Tuesday after Memorial Day. I had been having a lot of marriage related stress. I had been living separately from my family since mid September of 2018. The problems in my marriage were completely my fault and was a result of my behavior over the course of the previous 9 years. I will get into that later.
On this particular day I had caused my wife to get considerably upset. The process for separation/divorce had finally been pushed into action because I kept screwing up. In this moment I felt completely hopeless. I could see my marriage and family completely outside of my grasp and falling away rapidly. All because of my actions/inaction.
My infidelity was discovered over a year ago, and “infidelity” is putting it lightly. I had completely decimated my family with the revelation of my secretive activities and affairs that took place through the entire span of my marriage. Since the discovery of this in 2018 I had many low points and I had even worked out a suicide plan mentally.
Even though I had a plan I never seriously considered myself at risk. I would always talk myself off the proverbial edge. But this day was different. I knew I wouldn’t be able to talk myself down. I wouldn’t be able to escape the thoughts in my mind. This state I was in truly scared me.
I couldn’t quit crying as I was driving home. So I called the local mental health facility and asked about the process for checking in. Tessa was the admissions rep that I spoke with and she could tell I was distressed. She told me I needed to go to the ER. I agreed and promised that I would and tried to get off the phone, unsure if I would actually check myself in. Tessa could sense this and kept me on the phone. I asked for details, could I smoke while in inpatient treatment, what clothing would I need, etc. She answered everything I asked. I was in my apartment drinking a beer, packing a bag, unsure if I would actually check in or commit to my plan. All along Tessa kept fishing for little details. I could tell she was trying to have the cops sent to my location so I tried to keep the information minimal. I would later find out that she still learned my identity and had the police dispatched to find me at my house listed on my license or on the roads with the bridges that were part of my plan.
I did finally arrive at the ER and truthfully I was still unsure if I would go in. Tessa was still on the phone with me. I parked and opened up another beer and within seconds I was surrounded by 4 police cruisers from 2 counties. The bridges that were part of my plan separate two counties and both counties had been searching for me for an hour. The hospital administrator was also present. I explained that I was checking myself in (I had no choice at this point) and they escorted me to the waiting room.
This was the beginning of my bipolar journey.
After a few hours in the ER I was transferred to the psychiatric inpatient unit. They allowed me to voluntarily check-in however were very clear that if I did not check myself in then they would have no choice but to check me in as an involuntary patient based on what I discussed on the phone with Tessa. The choice was clear and I agreed to self-admit myself rather than face the alternative.
It was nearly midnight by the time I was processed and I was stripped of all my belongings and given scrubs to wear while my belongings were searched for dangerous items that could be used to harm myself or other patients. I was processed into their systems and finally put in a room to sleep for the night.
The following day I met with the psychiatrist and after giving him a rundown of the last decade of my life he informed me that I was bipolar. This was a shock to me but it made sense at the same time. And this is how I was ushered into my bipolar journey.
To be continued….